


Hollow Talk

by WhisperOfTheDay



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: (written and posted before i watched uprising), ACCURATE, Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Communication Failure, Family Issues, Gen, Pre-Movie, it just hurts whenever i think about those two, k-sci boys in time of crisis, lol this tag tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-23
Updated: 2018-03-23
Packaged: 2019-04-06 15:27:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14059905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhisperOfTheDay/pseuds/WhisperOfTheDay
Summary: Just trying to be mindful.





	Hollow Talk

**Author's Note:**

> (Warning: allusion to self-harm at the very end)

"The Jaeger program is being shut down."

 

Newt just stared at him for a few seconds, mouth agape.

"Oh, man!" That reaction was.. unexpected, and it must have shown on Gottlieb's face, cause Newt was quick to continue, "Yeah, no, I've already figured that much from what's going on around, but it's just- that's so sweet of you to sit me down with a cup of tea, like that, to tell me this, to ease the blow and all- _wow,_ Hermann, I didn't expect- didn't think you have this in you."

Gottlieb only granted him with an unimpressed scowl.

The xenobiologist's ridiculous, teasing smile dissolved quickly and he let out a lungful of air that turned into a quiet, unsure "oooookaaay". He pretended to be busy eyeing the table, then the room, fingers twitching but not making a sound. His general posture giving an impression of someone scared to move. Hermann kept his face neutral and nonchalant, while internally listing all the ways he had come up to properly respond to different 'courses of events'.

"You," the sentence was cut off in favour of wasting the rest of the breath on making a weird burbling noise, which faded as his neck seemed to give in under the weight of the too heavy head. He kept silent, forehead almost touching his hands which were tightly clasped together on the table.

"You want to tell me you gonna leave, aren't you?" he looked Gottlieb right in the eyes, not quite lifting his head. It seemed Newt poured all his energy into looking unperturbed by the idea, completely fine with it, and nevertheless his gaze was bordering on pleading.

"I am not," Gottlieb said in his usual tone and accent.

The man's eyes lit up and Hermann saw his co-worker's body relax for a second until the haunted look returned, brows frowned in confusion.

"You are- you're not what? Not leaving or not telling me you're leaving-?"

"I am not resigning from PPDC, Newton."

"That's great," he babbled, strengthening a little bit, still looking quite ill, eyes an inch too wide. Geiszler must have reached the limit of effort he could put into concealing his true emotions, and after a long suffering exhale, his face was stretched with a smile, which turned into a grin after another outtake of breath. "That's super cool," he stopped himself before saying 'thank you', though Hermann could see endless gratitude in his eyes.  
  
Maybe it wouldn't hurt to adress it- the fact that Newt was too attached to their everyday routine, to their partnership and working conditions. The world was more unstable than ever, it was high time he learned to adapt, be more flexible.. Fortunately enough, Gottlieb quickly realised he wasn't the one to talk.

"I just.. can't help but feel abandoned, you know.." Newt murmured.

At Hermann's silent question, he elucidated, "They gave up on us. They don't believe in us.. in Jaeger pilots, in the tech, in what we do."

By the look on his face it seemed Newt had more to say, and after a brief pause he decided to go through with it.

"Got a mail from my dad yesterday. He asked me to come back home, leave all my work and everything cause it's fucking hopeless anyway so what's the point of being so close to the front line, I mean- th-" he got short of breath, inhaled, collected himself and carried on.

"They never believed in me, not really. They were good, my uncle and father, they let me do what I want, they have set me on this path, probably, in a way, I mean, their support was crucial, but they never actually thought I'd _succeed_. I could feel it. They just- just like I'm an overexcited ambitious goddamn.. _wunderkind_ , that the world will fucking squash me and that'll be it. And, no, they never voiced it, and no, the letter wasn't the way I made it sound, and I do.. kinda.. feel bad for making it sound like that, it was kinda sweet to know they, you know, worry and care and all, but..."

Newt curled his hands around the mug and pulled it closer, peering inside, the little cloud of steam obscuring his features.

"I can see that people don't take me seriously. And I've been proving myself since childhood, and now I won't even have the means for it."

He breathed out through his nose, watching vapor reshape in the air, mouth twisting to one side. "Frankly speaking, I look forward to the ‘crazy phase’, you know? Becoming confident and impetuous and carefree... It's easier, that way, through times like this."

 

The silence stretched on, as both men mulled it all over. By the looks of it, Gottlieb was lost in thought- sitting still like an expressionless statue, not once touching his tea. Newt regarded him with a questioning expression, loudly sipping the tasteless hot liquid from his mug, impatience getting the best of him.

"Hermann? I spilled my heart out here, now it's your turn."

"I don't remember making such kind of deal with you."

"Well I thought it's pretty obvious? It works like that."

"No, it doesn't."

"I trusted you with my _feelings_ ," he cried, jestingly resentful.

"I hope it made you feel better," Gottlieb's voice was flat, yet not unkind, as he took the mug in his left hand and grabbed the cane with his right.

"Jerk."

Hermann was already standing up, ignoring the jab. A glimpse of his face Newt caught before his colleague walked past gave him a pause.

 

But an idea too.

 

This guy desperately needed to let out some steam, and if Newt was to be the unfortunate target, so be it.

 

" _What about your father?_ "

 

Gottlieb stopped in his tracks.  
  
It was funny actually, just like in movies.

 

"What a shitty situation, right? That was a jerk move, I mean.."

 

There might have been good implications behind this, initially, but then, something nasty formed inside Newt's chest. Sure, there was desire to help, in his own way; somewhere in a far corner there was fear of overdoing it, touching on something too personal, of being shouted at and belittled, or worse- of the man paying back with the same currency. But amid all that there was _curiosity_. And something akin to _pleasure_ and _need_. Newt _needed_ Hermann to admit to feeling lost, hopeless, weak, to show his hurting and offense and _rage_ at the unfairness of this world.

Newt needed to make sure it wasn't his own mind playing tricks on him, that he wasn't playing pretend. That he was not just ridiculously pathetic. He needed to know that what he was feeling was real.

 

"Not only did he leave, he came up with the Anti-Kaiju Wall thing, which is like, the suckiest thing there is right now-"

 

" _Shut. Up._ "

 

It took Newt a second to register that the words were barked in German, and _that_ spoke volumes, so he kept his mouth shut. He didn't want a fight, he no longer wanted _any_ of this, not even to _be_ there, yet his system still pumped chemicals into his brain which had made him say those ugly things. It made him sick.

 

Hermann turned around, nothing but callousness in his eyes.

"I've already come to the conclusion, Newton, that every private thought I ever shared with you was a miscalculation. I don't repeat my mistakes, believe me."

 

And he was left alone in the kitchen, with nothing but self-hatred to keep him company.

 

The next day Newt wore a long-sleeved sweater and lied that he had caught a cold.

**Author's Note:**

> TY for reading- any form of feedback is deeply appreciated ♡


End file.
